-

--exactly.



-

Anyway my eyes are super dry these days. Effect lenses, perhaps?

Grandma.

Its 2.35am and once again i have difficulty to sleep.

All those memories of my late grandma pierced into my mind.

And it hurts. Badly.

I miss her voice, her doa for me each morning i salam her for school, her dishes for my kelas agama. And every wednesday and saturday where she went back from night market, buying us burger, fried chicken or kuihs, where we anticipate her returning and watching TV together after that.
Everything.

That hurt feeling like one of your blessing being taken away.

Its just that i had so many regrets. Yep. As i grow up i forgot the blessing i had.
Ego it is. Selfish it was.

And i think im being punished for my act.

Granpa being not so healthy too. Those memories where he picked me up from kindergarten, buying the girlish red sandal at pasar tani when i was 5/6 years old. And again, everything.

I hope im not gonna experience the same thing with my grandpa. I want to see him if anything happen.

Yep. I am the one who literally raised up by my gramps since i was a baby until i was 12-13years old. Half of my life spent there.


If i were to choose one and only wish, i wish that Allah grant my gramps and parents Jannah. Cause they deserve it, so much.




---

The thought of you need to work hard. They have been through hardship and it is sad that in this condition, i seems to not pay for their kindness. I lost. Seriously im so lost these days. Aku tak tahu aku buat apa. I feel demotivated and everything.

Idk. Today is just sad. I talk to my father regarding a matter, and i feel guilt and useless.

I want to grad and make em proud.

Haih. Bercampur baur dah otak ni.

Sad fara sadddddd.

You are so sad fara.

Dissapointed. I am.

Rant.

Its almost 2am and i cant sleep. Rasa banyak benda dalam kepala. Maigosh serabut rasa. Bila pejam mata macam-macam benda datang. And yes, amik balik phone scroll everything possible nak bagi tidur huhu

Tiba-tiba teringat yang i ada blog dan i dont even remember the login acc for this blog. Seriously i do have 5 active gmail accounts and I tried every single email to login but none of it works. Rasa macam desperate because yes i lowkey treasure this blog. And tiba-tiba lagi ttupp dalam kepala yang i got another email yg i rarely used. I mean one email i use for youtube channel of ent purpose haha 2nd one for official bussiness like academic etc. 3rd one for yayasan bank rakyat. 4th one for insta and twitter. And bla bla bla malas nak recall. But this last one i rarely use. I dont even remember the purpose i created one. Rasa macam sebab nak pindah acc from my old gmail acc because rasa macam kena privacy invasion bila guna the other email.

Nah, i talk crap again.

Forget bout it. Attempt nak tidur je ni. Tapi bergunung pulak rasa masalah dalam kepala haha tak tahuuuu lah macam mana. How can i survive. Entah entah entah. Academic wise, then another personal matter. Dengan fyp ethic tak approve lagi. Berapa kali buat correction idk. Rasa malas nak hadap. But then i remember this old saying from someone : -

"Time heals everything.."

"Bad time will pass.."

Idk. Rasa in this state macam time kill pun ye jugak.

Dah la. I listened to Path right now. Everytime i listen to this song these lyrics caught me off guard. Seriously rasa macam adoi deepnya. Idk. Emo lebih kot. Haha


Would I have changed? If I had chosen a different path, if I had stopped and looked back

What will I get to see? At the end of this road, where you would be standing

Heyy. It been so long since my last post rasa macam rindu blog. Haha. I cut down my social medias interaction right now. I rarely use the FB. Once in 2-3weeks? Again, malas nak hadap perangai manusia. I layan youtube je nowadays. Insta pun tak buka sangat. I rasa nak deactivate old twitter. I use my new twitter untuk entertainment purpose juga sama macam youtube. I swear i follow acc of my current interest which is i prefer to keep it as secret. Hahah. Entah lah, rasa macam they kinda offer me big help and motivation to harung this everything.

We had a small talk on how we got here during our dinner today. Yes, after freaking 4th year. This is kinda not what i wanted tho but i believe God put people where they belong and i believe that God knows that this is where i am belongs.

Randomnya hai. Seriously benda2 bersarang ni la buat tak boleh tidur ni.

Glad that i found my email again.

Its already pass 2am. Lets sleep. Goodnite.

Hm.

If she see this, i wonder -

She will smile or cry,

It was bittersweet but..i dont know *sigh*

Self.

"One day, whether you
Are 14,
28,
Or 65

You will stumble upon
Someone who will start
A fire in you that cannot die

However, the saddest,
Most awful truth,
You will ever come to find -

Is they are not always
With whom we spend our lives."

~anonymous.


Truth hurts.
And the most absurd thing is,
It is impossible yet -
I still dream of it.

Self destruction,
Yes. I call it.

~me.

--

For those yang contacted me for YBR or course infos, i might be late in replying because i dont have my phone on wifi often, so yeah. Be patient. Wifi sucks somehow and it stressed me out so i prefer to be in offline mode while enjoying songs. Hew.

Life being not so nice too,
Just so you know i lost my grandma who i really cherish, yeah she took care of me since i was a baby,
Then another things to worry - because i am grown up now. Haha.
No choice, life is full of ups and downs so face it.

Plus, i missing someone too much, i told ya it is a form of self destruction. Still, i dont know why human choose pain (i mean i can slowly let i go, okay heck no i dont think so, arghhh!)

New semester soon!
I wish i woke up with a smile this Sunday. Hahah.

Lifehack : Tag baju

Holla. Its beeen freaking while since my last time here. Well nothing much happening. Balik usm ada la kot post emo. Herher.

Okay lah. Pendekkan cerita. Minggu last puasa beli baju dekat AEON, lepas tu akak tu pun pening kot because it was full house dekat AEON dan dia kena lipat2 baju yang orang beli and such dan dia lupa nak tanggal safety tag dekat baju. Balik rumah baru perasan. Nasib sehelai tu je dia lupa tanggal. Kang dituduh pencuri pula kalau pakai baju sekali dengan tag tu heww. Dituduh gila okay lagi kot. Haha. Nak pergi balik AEON memang idok la semata nak tanggal benda tu.

Then search la Youtube. Merapu juga video sana kadang2. Tapi ada satu yang berguna. Hahaha.



Ini dia.

Cara2 nak tanggal safety tag baju yang dilupakan oleh akak kaunter untuk ditanggal. Eh fenim ayat guwe.

1. Sediakan lilin, gunting or apa2 nak kepit.
2. Then bakar bucu atas tag tu. Bakar sampai nampak skru.
3. Tarik skru tu dulu. Nanti ada macam besi kapsul (tah apa bentuk taktau), sekali dengan biji3 ada 3 biji, tarik juga benda tu.
4. Dah cabut semua kat atas tu baru cabut macam paku tekan yang melekat dekat bahagian baju lagi satu.
5. Jangan laa cuba2 tarik paku tu selagi benda kat atas tak tercabut. Boleh rabak oi baju.

Okay tu je. Senang aje sebenarnya. Jangan gatai2 nak guna untuk mencuri pula. Gua tak halalkan ilmu. Nyeahaaa. Okbye.

Stay.

Falling hard.

And i decided to stay.

Stay when people at worst.

And i believe it will meet the worth-to-stay end.

Because i hope people would do the same.

For me.


:)

Nightmare.

I had a nightmare last night.

It seems so real.

Like a sign, perhaps?

And when the day comes, the one who will hurt the most is, ME.

Adulthood.

Exactly.

Exhausted.

Too many things to worry.

I care about the end, not the process.

Every single thing is not smooth for me this year and i wonder why it is so hard.

Overthink.

Rindu.

Rindu.

Tapi tak nak menyusahkan :(

.

It's like i am drowning but everyone else is breathing at the same place and time.


It's always worse than it seems.

Slice of life ;P

Okay. It seems like these past few days i will and i am only talking about dramas, animes or anything related because i have nothing better to do. The plot is really connected to one another, im a little freak to be honest.

Wait. I swear this gonna be a really random post, jumble up and down. I did not plan my writing and yep, i never actually.

I will list out my eye candies of this week.

1. Ao no Exorcist
- Yeap i talked about this before. It got my emotions went like woooooooo. Rather than all demon stuffs, i screamed at the Okumura's brotherhood. It is precious, i swear! And trust issue is such a pain, be it in reality or anime or drama.

And the dark side. When Yukio is posessed with Satan, the darks side kept screaming on how good the Rin is, able to do what he is unable to do and Yukio should kill his twin brother, Rin instead. Im not gonna lie i almost cry there. Lol. It hurts to see the relationship being tested under circumstances.

2. Golden Time
- A romance anime. I never plan to watch this, to be honest. I am the type to watch the very last 5 minutes of the last episode, and by that i will decide whether to watch the anime or not and with that, i decided not to watch this anime. Lol. But, right after i finish my AnE, i clicked on the Golden Time folder and did some reading on Wiki. Wow. The plot somehow attract me.

Its about Tada Banri who happened to had retrogade Amnesia after involved in accident.

Wait. Im not gonna make a synopsis of this anime anyway.

And it makes my emotions went on roller coaster ride again when Banri slowly regaining his memory before the accident and forget the present. I might say his life really begin after the accident, he enrol in law department, meeting his girlfriend, new friends and all and it is kind of hurt to see him forgot the best moment of his life.

3. Cheese in the trap
- This is seriously my current addiction! Haha. Im being skeptical over this drama before. I met this drama about 4 weeks ago and never thought i will give it a try since the title sounds silly tho and it is based on webtoon (korea production, well somehow we can call it manga in japan) so i thought it will be cliche as fk. Those shoujo thinggy somehow makes me cringe. Lol
But..! I was wrong. I decided to give this drama a try this afternoon.

Cliche kdrama will be like (well lets go for 16 episodes of kdrama)

A typical or atypical meeting of the lead - the relationship grow into friendship - about 10~11th episode they will start dating, everything seems sweet and conflict occur, the antagonist make their move - 14th-15th they start to resolve things, basically this is the episode of the couple break up. Haha. I swear, i skipped most of the scene in this episode because it is too much to handle and i am little annoyed with typical weak heroine and the non-affected-with-the-breakup like hero.

But. The CINT seems different tho.
The meet up is too cold and we dealing with the past of the character. They started dating on ep 4 and the character development is after that.

A typical drama shows tsundere (cold outside, warm inside) hero but this drama shows the opposite of tsundere (i swear the hero looks so warm outside, yetbhe is the real jerk, urghh i dont know who to believe anymore)



Well urghhhh look at that smile, precious! I cannot believe that he involved in too many tricky games. And i still cant decide whether to love this hero or not (this drama is on run, a real torture) because he seems suspicious and famous saying from people to his girlfiend is :

"I will show you the real of your great boyfriend..!"

I mean like, it is hurt to hear people saying that thing whenever a situation occur.
But im glad, the hero is all flawed. Im getting tired of over perfect hero T_T and the hero seems to pay all of his mistakes.

His dark side really creep me out. Im not gonna lie the first 3 episode i kept cursing at him. He's a real psycho.
This is seriously an enjoyable emotional roller coster ride for me but seriously another 6 episodes seems like forever :(

I love the message of this drama. Nobody is perfect and dont expect a bright people never had their dark side.
And for the heroin, trust issue is well played here. Despite all those things happening, you have to choose whether to trust the hero, accept their sins and flaw or leave him as he gonna pay for his sin anyway.

I dont know. I hope that this girl is not the typical girl who do the stupid things like being away from the hero in order to save him, in order to make him at ease or maybe they think that problem will settled if they get lost. I seriously dont understand this kind of thinking like wth the world is not revolve around you, you going away doesnt mean the problem is settled like that.

My forever fav heroines are Its okay its love and kill me heal me, they were so strong despite all those conflicts and not stupid. Lol

This CINT seems to be a wise type too. Im hoping that she wont be too stupid and irrational. Thats my only humble wish, because i neeeeed that.




-

GOD! AKU BEBEL PANJANG GILA I SHOULD SLEEP ASFGGHKKL
I DONT EVEN BOTHER TO CHECK FOR TYPO OR GRAMMATIC ERROR OR WHAT ELSE BECAUSE I AM SLEEPY AND I DONT PLAN TO MAKE THIS BLOG READABLE X'D

Ao no Exorcist

I realized that i am such an emotional old hag crying over something nonsense nothing!

 

I might be late, lol this anime is kinda old but who cares. Im at episode 11th and this is my second time watching it.
Im not sure about others but seriously Ao no Exorcist burst me into tears, despite all those stupid moments, actually the plot is kinda well um dramatic? Pardon me for my disability finding the right word.
 
Seriously, it shows that no matter how demon you are, you want to be good. Long story short, Rin is actually a demon's son but he dont want to be a demon and he fight with his nature. But, i think the way he grow up matter, since he was raised in religious environment - in church by his guardian.
It can be apply in real life, no matter how bad your origin, as long as you were raised right, then it doesnt matter.

lol

Seriously Fara?

Seriously?
 

I am falling too deep that i almost making a literature for this anime right now. Hahaha.

To be honest, i got tons of work to do. Tapi nak bangun tidur pun malas apa tah lagi nak settlekan kerja.

 

Chaos;Head should be next. Veeeeeery old anime tho.

I might watch Kuroko no Basket again, but no Fara no. I had chronic withdrawal symptom of those series. Gila kau tidur pun termimpi-mimpi.

See. I told ya, i have no life xD

Dan aku lah belia yang tak menyumbang apa-apa kepada negara yang tengah kucar-lanar ni. Wahaha.

Social medias.

Holla! Im sorting out all my accounts today, yes since i got tons of gmail account that i forgot their existance and purpose of making ones.

Anyway, i changed my original account linked to Blogger because of privacy. Are you serious you are talking about privacy when using social medias? LOL. Yes yes. People will see me wherever i go on social medias such as Youtube using that account, i feel like im being watch over xD *yeah, im kind of active in commenting Youtube videos, wth ok wth*
And that's why for my previous post, you can see the 'posted by unknown' instead of my name since i adding new author and make myself admin - my new email, and deleted the previous one and i'm still trying to figure out how to link my new account to Bloggerdroid. Ahh. Too many works, im not gonna find the way soon because im too lazy as fk.

It's kind of creepy how people can find you with a name. Yeap, i mean using a name then all your social medias account listed in front of you. Blame me for the lack of creativity in creating various one lol but nope, im not gonna remember any of it. I bet.

Im thinking about deleting my Twitter account. Haha. Im on hiatus since forever, and i dont think i will make a comeback because i got that penyakit malas untuk membebel dan menaip setiap masa but that account mean so much to me, what the heck you being emo, seriously? since i made that account on my birthday 7-8 years ago.

I feel old meh.

Too many social medias is such a ruckus, i am not at the age of building new friendship with random social medias account holder since my current relationship with the reality one i mean dunia nyata is not that great either. Hahah. I need to work on that. I mean i HAVE to.

Again, i feel old.

I visit Youtube, SoundCloud and Facebook the most. But well, YT and SC does not really connect people right? LOL. I enjoy listening to random musics and pieces because too many awesome talented people especially on Soundcloud that i bawled hard thinking about my life with no music talent at all and my life with no life.

Blogger is a rare case. I rarely visit here, lack of content issue and im tired to say this thing but my life is too dull to be told. Hahah. I dont want Cinderella kind of story either, because it is too pretty that it irk the hell of me. Nevermind. I talk nonsense.

But i do update some crap stuffs sometimes and you have to bear with me dear readers, lol as if i had any. Sometime i use this blog to rant over emo and stress matter. Haha. Usually, few days later I will unpublish it. It just like temporary place to let out your emotion.
I hate Facebook anyway because i know people will read because it will appear on the Timeline but Blogger is another whole different case since i dont have any follower.  cant be thankful enough over this matter.

Instagram. I choose to not to be too active there RIP grammar because im a pauper. I mean i use insta to shop and i dont even have money to shop right now and forever. LOL
And to avoid insecurities. Hahah. People share candy moments of their life and im afraid that i might be too ungrateful of my life while i have nice one here.
I sound like a real sick jealous bitch here but hey come on, gila kau tak jeles kalau ada kereta, baju cantik-cantik, pergi jalan sana sini  bagai? HAHA. Jealousy cant be avoided but you can avoid the source of jealousy :D


Anddddd i hateee that angel-like caption in Insta while in real life you are devil. LOL. Again, im not judgemental asshole but i sound like one? Nevermind.


Wait.. I dont expect this post to be this long and nonsense. What even-

Howdie!

I got 2gb data expired at 7am so i dont know what should i do with those gigas. Im hoping that data use up fast by tethering it with my laptop. But meh. Apa sangat yang boleh buat malam-malam ni?

 So long since my last visit here. Nothing much cause life is sure dull yes yes. Ah i should continue spazzing over random videos on Youtube. Happy holiday guys for those who are in their sem break.

Well, anyway imma bit happy today. At least i can sleep in peace. Ah ha. What is sleep anyway?

bye~