Atuk.

Howdie.

Short visit here. Im taking my paed exam on 14th June, another 2 days. But whatever, there is nothing much to talk about. I had enough haha.

There is one thing running in my mind at this time. Its about people emotion. Why? Random. So currently, my grandpa live in my house since yes its ramadhan, plus my mom have her 2weeks holiday so its better for him. Well you know atleast his sahur and berbuka foods are well managed. But this week he gonna move to my aunt house since she got her cuti bersalin. Another 3 days i guess then he will move there.

My point is, atuk is rarely talk about his emotion. I never see any of his emotion or comments on particular event or situation. Except i was told by my family that he did cried when my grandma passed away.

So im thinking about his emotion. Yes, he is now almost 80 years old. But having to move here and there, being away from home, i dont know how he accept the situation because he is soo quiet about it.

How one perceived changes of life?

Wan passed away. He had the dramatic changes in his life. He had to move, if not my father have to send him breakfast or lunch everyday before going to work, so he have to leave early like really early because its quite a distance from his workplace to my atuk's.

And how he sees the situation? I mean how do people keep living?

I dont know if im in that place to talk about this. But, i think my atuk really had nothing to cherish. His wife is now gone. I dont think his relatives are calling him on daily basis or visit him, and im not sure about his sons. He doesnt have friends. Im being honest here. You know my atuk is typical man from those early years yang garang gila and anak-anak takut and the relationship seems cold? I mean they are okay but they seriously dont talk about emotions or whatever about their life progression. I dont know it is because of they are all men or because of the past.

I remember last semester, my atuk actually wanted to call my aunt but he mischose the contact number since both of us are called 'adik' but i really had a long convo with him.
And we seriously talk about pokok the whole convo.

He sounds happy.

He need to be heard.

i think he is sad at one point, or he doesnt care. Everytime i asked my mom what he's doing, the answer gonna be sleeping.

He have nothing to achieve anymore.


Ugh i dont know.

I dont know how this raya gonna be.

I dont know. I just want atuk to be happy.


I cant help to think that at one rate people really gonna reach that saturated point where they have nothing to achieve,nothing to cherish and everything is meaningless.
You - alone.

And i think its quite scary. I dont know whether i gonna reach that state but i lowkey dont want it to be happened, because it means that i got no family left or there is no love left. Its all dry. Ughh.

To the point we just wait until, we die..


Me and my deep thought. End up i hurt myself lol

Anyway pray for me for those who read this.



-- and im sorry if im not replying to your fb msg regarding the yayasan bank rakyat thinggy. First, your im came when i was toooo busy and i forgot to reply, second, the question is so irrelevant. Im sorry but are you really asking me about technical mistake u made? How do i know to settle that? You should call their hotline instead. If i answer you guys with sorry, idk i might hurt people feeling.

So, goodbye. Have a nice day !



***

Edited :

Right after i posted this entry i callled my mom and ask for atuk. Hahaa.

That smile :)

Obsession

Holla. Just another random thing to talk about to kill my night.

My left ear piercing started to get swell and idk why. The right one seems okay tho. It does swell because yeah you know it takes time to heal but the left one here is more swollen. I got my ear pierced a week ago. No no, it was definitely not my first time. Lol.

Okay now talk bout this, im now thinking whether to share all this or not. Lol. You know that sort of thing where people being judgemental, i wasnt talking about how i dislike being judged but you know its sort of uncomfortable thing to feel.

Whatever.

It was my fifth pierce tbh. Hahaha idk since when i got this weird obsession. I cant even explain it myself.

I got my first ear piercing when i was 5 years old. That one i got when i stay in Gombak, i assumed that one when i balik kampung kot. I dont remember much but i remember the pain. Haha. It was very painful i told ya. Since it was my first time kot. It was literally nothing to me right now xD

I had some allergy with some metal accessories back then. Until now tbh. I mostly wear plastic ones. I didnt wear any earring due to that condition back then until it closed.

My 2nd one was during my matric. I got one at the earlobe. That typical piercing a girl would get. Haha.

My 3rd and 4th one, i got it during my 3rd year. This one i got both simultaneously. Haha. I cant even brain myself tbvh xD

It was my dream to get my cartilage pierced. No - not was, it is my dream. But you know what, u learn for reason right? Since im in this audiology course lol i know cartilage pierce shouldnt be taken lightly as it is more complicated especially after the procedure. Cartilage injury wont heal any faster than typical piercing - the amount of blood flow matters. And you cant get the cartilage pierce by using the classic gun - most of the jewelery shop has.

I was thinking whether should i wait until im ready to get my cartilage pierce or should i just bury that one. Haha. I choose the latter. So here it goes my latest piercing juuust below the cartilage. It was higher up than the earlobe, just before where you can feel the bony part of your pinna.

It was kind of satisfaction. People called me crazy. My mom too. Haha. But nah, i just let it go. As long as i doesnt do any harm and kacau hidup orang.

And why?

Idk but that moment you hear the crunch sound when the gun pierce into the opposite part of your ear then u feel the unexplainable satisfaction lol. I sounds like a freak. I know i am.

But being serious here, i used to get scared of everything. Hahaha even when i got my 2nd piercing i was scared to death.

In simpler word, piercing is a way for me to challange myself. Some might say why dont you get your nose or eyebrow pierced?

Lol i love piercing but for people to see my piercings is a big NO. I mean my friends and fam can still see my pierce, cant be help on that part but to show my piercings on my face definitely not me.

I love piercing as it kind of self-satisfaction and pleasure for myself - not because of cosmetic wise.

Tbh, i really think that ones shouldnt be too judgemental when it comes to this kind of things. Hahaha. I speak from the girl-who-obsess side. I might be bias. Like how one love hiking, do musics or playing games to release their their tension or to challenge themself. It is the same. There always be stereotype when it comes to piercing and tatoos - which i dont even want to explain about tatoos because lol it never come across my mind. Hahah.

And fyi, my chilhood piercing aka my first are still there. Im suprised tho that moment i discover it. Haha it just i dont use earring because omg it looks so excessive if i put ones.

Plus i dont do piercings at questionable areas. Haha. You know those kind of creativity.

..........

Okay anyway, how sabar can sabar be?
Im in sabar challenge mode right now. Hahaha. It might sounds ridiculous but im seriously testing my patience right now. I dont even know why i commit to this thing xD

You know what, that feeling when you supposed to get something at one particular date, but from the present until that particular date - you should get something too but you dont get any. And that party being soooo quiet and there is no way to contact the party. But the particular d-date has been fixed and you are so confirmed that you will get something on that day. It just that my patience has been tested extremely when you dont get anything which you supposed to get in between. Haha. Omg. Rip sentences.
Like you can sabar counting the days but you cant sabar enough when waiting for something until the day comes xD

Why la human choose to live like this?Why?Why human choose pain and suffer. Haha.

Okay this going nowhere. Its almost 1am.

Night.




Pic cr ; google image & watermark.

Kebaikan.

Hi. Hello.

Okay. Ive been doing nothing this sem break. I know i suppose to, i mean i have to finish my literature review before the new sem. I know. I know. Plus, free time is silent killer tbvh. When you got that free time, all the negativity comes around. Haha. Well you know, im not in my best condition. But who cares, i always be and nevermind, im okay. Maturity process at its best.

Wait. Why even im here?

Okay. Nevermind, let me share something. Well, today is seriously a hibernating day. Its raining all day long. Nothing much to do. Astro being sucks by airing the same show over and over again and im being one of lifeless people staring at gadgets everytime. Not gonna lie, i changed from ipad to phone to laptop while im on twitter and youtube. Seriously. The content is the same but yeah im deadass bored. Im not a fan of movie either. I remember i ate the space of my hardisk for movies and dramas but i dont even know where i put that square white thing.

Soooo, i decided to read a book. Any book. To kill a mockingbird is one of my to-be-read list but silly me i left it at usm hoping for ghostread maybe. Geez. I decided to read a novel. I dont remember the title because ;

I failed. I ended up fall asleep when my mom came into my room and sneak under the comforter, she fall asleep so am i. Whatever.

Anyway, i managed to read a chapter of 101 Nasihat Rasulullah Untuk Menjadi Muslimah Paling Bahagia.

Then yeah, i stuck at this qoute :

From Dzun Nun Al-Masri - Dunia tidak baik melainkan dengan meningatiNya, akhirat tidak baik melainkan dengan kemaafanNya, dan syurga tidak baik melainkan dengan melihatNya.

Ddang. This one seriously pierced into my heart.

What am i even doing to deserve all the kebaikan? Let alone akhirat and syurga, im saying about dunia itself.

I remember after i finish my clinic exam, im not in my best state where i recalled everything back, reflecting myself and i ended up being depressed. Lol. I went outside, watching people playing football just to kill time and did some thinking with my Spotify on. Im impressed somehow the songs fit the situation that i bawled my eyes out. I seriously enjoy my time alone. I even questioning my sanity. Lmao. Nvm, in just exeggarating.

Okay back to the main point, after all those thinking i went to surau and i got my biggest lesson of life. The imam made a mistake, i guess dia tertambah rakaat something like that and everyone being so confused after that.

Then, i asked the jemaah and now i know that imam made a mistake in 2nd rakaat so he counter it back with sujud sahwi. Tbvh, i learnt this but i never encounter this situation. So i was kinda like what is happening? I discuss with one kakak and this for sure younger than me girl, wayyy younger i guess. I asked what should i read/recite *sorry fail eng* during the sujud (im being honest here, i have no idea about the doa) and that younger girl can fluently recite the doa.

HAHA. Biggest joke ever to yourself Fara. And at that moment, i realised im not supposed or more appropriate if i say i dont deserved to be sad/depressed if nothing goes right in my life. Especially academic wise.

Why?

Im being gloomy all day long because i think i didnt perform well etc buuuut i forget that i never really tunaikan hak Tuhan. How i can ever dream segala kebaikan? Silly me.

And that qoute reminded me again about that incident. And i know, Tuhan saja je nak tunjuk something haritu :/

Im grateful tho.

Im not saying that im ready to accept any kind of result or outcome but i can say that's what im exactly saying. Idk. I wish i can improve myself so that im happy with both. Dunia and akhirat.

But yes somehow bila terkejar dunia ni seriously u forget about akhirat. I remember during my busy time (those ethical approval presentation wth etc), i rarely reflecting myself. What ive done today, what kind of words i spit today. Idk. Bangun, klinik, buat kerja, fangirl2 kejap, tidur. Lifeless.

Apa-apa je lah. This ranting going nowhere.

I seriously want to improve myself. For those who reading this, pray for me gais. Thanks :)

Long rant.

Hello. Im home and as usual im having prob sleeping at night. Geez i swear it is not because i slept during the day but my brain cannot stop working. Night equal to the moment i contemplating my life the most. Haha. Well 170119 is definitely one of my joyous day (not gonna tell why) but im falling too deep thinking how my life is going.

First,

Lately my imaginations become reality. Yes. Most of them to the point im scared asf.

Last 2 days, i wake up and suddenly the thougt of what if i left my purse everywhere and people found it and they viral(lol exaggerating) it on fb etc. Random thought that suddenly popped out of mind. And guess whaaat, yesterday two akak rang the bell and said that she saw my ic on fb (they were from rukun tetangga idk something has to do with u duduk taman and community something like that) they came just to inform me in case i didnt realized about my lost ic. Yes. I dont even noticed because last time i check my purse was there in my handbag and how the hell i left my ic.

And i was like what?! The moment i realized about my lost ic and the thought from a day before creeps in.

Still terfikir macam mana boleh tercicir. Herhh.

Today, my friend dm-ed me on twitter about my ic. She showed me the post. Lol. Malu gila aih. Anyway, i picked up the ic already at the bus terminal. Along with my money. Humanity restored. Tak ada satu pun tertinggal. And i thank the 2 kakak the most for still ambil berat pasal jiran2 yeah u know people can be nosy sometimes but we should live the advantages right?

Second,

Since last month and this month is somehow an award season i am imagining ma boys did a mash up and it become fking reality. And i hope they would mentioning something about life and yes, they did. Today!

Moving into random things to talk about -

One -

Im not going to be emotional but people questionning me when i stan ma boy the most.

I did. I did. Badly.

Reason?

I see my reflection.

Remembering today's qoute ;

Something like ;

"In 2016, we laugh a lot, we cried a lot, we work hard and i hope in 2017 we can smile.."

I dont remember the exact thing but yes 2016 has been a really tough year for me.

I lost myself, i lost my dear one,

If people asked me to describe my 2016,

I would say,

- Forever.

2016 seems like forever. Its been a looong journey that i would say i crawl to pass through the days.

I cried, i laugh and ofc i work hard but the hard work seems not enough.

My life in 2016 was a flop. Im not gonna lie.

Two -

Be grateful with what u have rather than what u lost. I learn this all the way in 2016.

And I refrained myself from complaining and always be grateful of even small achievement.

Idk. Thats how i keep going.

I told ya mental war is far more badass than physical war.

Plus my health condition is rather bad this year, i had an appt with doctor every 1 month, it just that in jan the dr decided to see me less often.

Nahh,

I hope 2017 will be a year when i can put a smile on everyone. Idc about myself anymore. Lol.

Im gonna say that i living someone's else dream right now -

I dont have one.

Or i would say - i do

But in this condition my dream seems impossible.

Naaahh. I dont even know. I hope all the pain and tears help me grow.

To put it simple, if nothing goes right, i wont blame someone else.

It is me who need to reflect and change.

~ there u go my first random post in 2017. These are the thought that playing in my head. I have much more than this but my fingers gonna explode soon if i write everything down. I swear this is not even 20% of my thought.

~ my phone screen dah barai. It fell down from about the distance of my shoulder to the floor. I thought the tempered glass cracked but heck a portion of the screen cracked. I ended up neglecting my phone for a whole day because im so frustrated to the point rasa nak campak je my phone. And yes there u go about 300+ whatsapp and mostly orang nak sewa kereta but im lazy rn. Plus those are from pagi-petang tadi. Sorry not sorry.

Adios.

Chance

You never get a second chance -



To make a first impression